The First Vagina of the United States: If only Hillary were a man

Fact: If Hillary Clinton were a man then this would be an entirely different presidential campaign. You don’t have to like Mrs. Clinton. You may vehemently oppose her. Simply put, she is treated entirely differently than any other candidate before her because (a) she is a woman competitively running for president, and (b) she is doing so after her husband.

Let’s break it down…

529759394-1133Another Clinton

I mean, we’ve already had one! And it just proves how rigged the political system has become. How can the only viable candidate be a former White House resident??

Of course we will ignore the fact she is incredibly qualified for the position. The fact she is highly intelligent. How analytical and logical her mind is. “Prepared” is how she is described by those who have ever worked with or for her. But let’s over look that. It’s 2016: it’s still OK to be as sexist as we were one hundred years ago.

Some claim she was only able to get in the game because her husband paved the way. After all, without him she’d be a nobody (*cough* Bush Boys *cough*). And yet no one seems to be angry about how insane it is a woman can only get this far because of her husband. Women make up over half of the population and yet are only a small fraction of national and state governments. No other woman has been in a realistic position to become the Commander-in-Chief. Ask yourself why that is, despite the hordes of professional, incredibly qualified women out there. Yet we focus on how Secretary Clinton is treading on her husband’s success.

In 1825 John Quincy Adams was elected as president number Six, despite being the son of Two. Election 2000 watched George W. succeed Papa Bush. And 2016 saw Jeb run for president after his father AND brother. I’m not sure anyone really noticed; we were too busy focusing on Mrs. Clinton, even before Jeb crashed and burned.

Let us forget all of the men over the years, decades, centuries, millennia who have followed in the footsteps of our patriarchal, nepotistic society. Because men are men. And men never, ever cheat social structures set around them. Women, on the other hand, are too busy throwing their vaginas around.

gettyimages-539255898She’s shady as fudge

This is true. Who the hell knows what she’s hiding under those pant suits. Secrets and lies. Lies and betrayal. Betrayal and greed. Greed and dishonor. That’s a lot of fudge right there.

But of course, she is literally (and I mean that term in the literal sense) one of the most investigated candidates for…anything. Everything! One of the most heavily examined public figures in politics. Both nationally and internationally. Since the Clintons declared their candidacy for the White House in October 1991 she has been under an intrusive microscope, subjected to derision, criticism and probes for a quarter century. Her every move has been analyzed by both the right and left. And… nothing. Nada. Zilch. Diddly-squat. That doesn’t mean Clinton hasn’t made mistakes in her forty-year career. But she has never been indicted for treason or any criminal activity. Yet the “liberal” media and right wing pundits drum up scandal despite a lack of evidence.

  • Clinton used a personal email server as Secretary of State: Criminal
  • Colin Powell used a personal email server as Secretary of State: Say what now
  • Clinton and her staff deleted 33,000 emails: She’s hiding something
  • The Bush, Jr. administration deleted millions of emails: Your point?
  • Clinton accused of being culpable and for lying about attacks in Benghazi: Evil
  • Bush lies to world over WMD in Iraq and subsequently invades: Who’s Bush?
  • Clinton was cleared of wrongdoing in Benghazi: Treasonous
  • House Republicans reject requests for embassy security funds: No hablo Inglés
  • Clinton calls the women her husband allegedly abused sluts and whores: Hates women
  • Clinton allegedly abuses women for decades: Oh, Bill. What a guy!
  • Clinton made money off of her public image while out of office: Abuses rigged system
  • Trump and every other presidential candidate does the same thing: Tumbleweed…

Being a missus and not a mister naturally disqualifies one from humanity.

We willfully overlook how women are held to higher standards than men. Countless examples of shady dealings among men in politics, finance and business are blatantly ignored by the media (e.g. Trump, Trump and Trump). We expect it of men. We accept it. But women? Oh no. What a scoop! Prosecuting women in our gossip-driven lives is always sexier.

Put simply, it’s Shakespearean: Women are Lady Macbeth, devious, immoral. Men are the misunderstood Macbeth, forgetting he was deceitful.

Men vs. Women; it’s Biblical. #BlameEveNotSteve.


The Clinton Foundation

If you’ve read the dictionary you’d know “Clinton” is defined as backward, manipulative, evil. So this organization has only one focus: make the Clinton machine filthy rich.

Now for this great claim to work we need to ignore a few snags. Like the fact Bill was a law professor and Arkansas Attorney General prior to serving two terms as the state’s governor. He then made a little-known run for president. Usually holding a job entitles one to benefits like a salary, which is greater the more responsibility involved. We’ll also ignore the four best-selling books, the paid-media appearances, the speeches, and many other lucrative gigs a former president is allowed. We’ll also ignore Hillary’s books and out-of-office appearance fees, all of which bring in the cash. There’s also her own jobs as a lawyer, New York Senator and Secretary of State.

It’s worth noting the Clintons are not unique. The Obamas, the entire Bush empire, the Reagans and Carters… all millionaires. Adjusted for inflation, of America’s 44 presidents only nine were not millionaires.

Regarding the Foundation: there are more questions over the Clinton’s charity than there is of Donald Trump’s despite the fact his brand sits on multi-million-dollar debt; the fact it is linked with paying off Florida’s Attorney General; the fact he uses other people’s money to take credit for charitable donations. And there’s the notoriously shoddy dealings of Trump University. But the Clinton Foundation has received donations from foreign individuals, including Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus who sought help from the US Department of State over somewhat trivial matters. And this is the focus of the “liberal” media.

Incidents of poor judgement? Of course! Which company hasn’t been prone to mistakes? However, the fact remains the Clinton Foundation has been thoroughly vetted. It is regarded as a well-run charity by independent regulators. Like Lady MacClinton herself, no misconduct has ever been evidenced. But this involves the Clintons so it must be a scheme. Nothing like that Trump fellow. No, no. We know this from the prompt release of ten years of tax returns, from the countless anecdotes of all the good his businesses and charities do, from the heavy investigation into all things “Trump”. Top-notch guy that one.


US-ELECTIONS-CLINTONBernie Sanders is 75. Donald Trump is 70. Ronald Reagan was 16 days off his 70th birthday when he took the oath. Ten presidents were over 60 on Inauguration Day. Were these gentlemen questioned on being too old? No. Men grow old wisely, with grace and those lines on their faces reflect character. Women on the other hand…

Women’s health is a huge topic in nearly every country. Not just the US – everywhere. You see, women have a pesky habit of having too many abortions and bleeding from their “wherevers”. And naturally old men must sit around and discuss the biology of women, regardless of whether they are qualified to do so.

Hillary Clinton is 68-years-old (at the time of writing). Is she too old to handle the pressure of a national campaign and the rigors of executive office? The poor dear.

Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia in mid-September 2016. Pneumonia, to the annoyance of many Republicans, doesn’t equate to a death sentence. Antibiotics and rest often clear up the infection. And while, yes, her two-day evasiveness over the illness could have been better planned, she, like her predecessors, revealed sufficient medical documentation. “Slippery”, “unethical”, and “shady”. These are the terms greeted by the public and media. The pathetic letter delivered to the public by the Trump campaign and the subsequent revelations have been widely mocked yet he has not faced comparable disdain.

Unsurprisingly all we hear is how Clinton “lied” about her health, how she doesn’t have the stamina to be president. Yet if Mrs. Clinton were a man we would be talking about how strong she is, attending the 15th anniversary of 9/11 despite her pneumonia. For Hillary, it’s condemnation for fragility whereas a man would be vigorously idolized. But Hillary is weak. Women are weak. Weakened by their uteruses slowing them down.

The Facts

  • Hillary Clinton has a vagina
  • Hillary Clinton has been above board with her financial and medical statements
  • Hillary Clinton has a progressive, diplomatic plan for the United States
  • Hillary Clinton was not responsible for the horrors in Benghazi
  • Hillary Clinton’s actions regarding her personal email server were without criminal intent, without malice, and even recommended by her predecessor Colin Powell
  • Hillary Clinton’s every waking move will be scrutinized by impatient mass media awaiting real scandals
  • Hillary Clinton’s every waking move will be judged by a public too lethargic to research beyond headlines for evidence to contextualize claims
  • Hillary Clinton remains a woman

Twenty-five years of living under a very large microscope and the only difference between Mrs. Clinton and any other male candidate who came before her are two-fold: (a) she is not a man, and (b) she is married to a former president.

That’s it.

We have learned she is a shady, corrupt, ambitious, treasonous liar. Yet no sufficient evidence can back these claims. She takes beating after beating from the media and public who judge her, and women, more harshly. If she was a respectable woman she would have sat quietly in Bill’s White House and hosted dinner parties. She wouldn’t have involved herself in healthcare initiatives for children and families. And she would have retired. Quietly.


Strong women are not liked. Ambition is a masculine trait and powerful women emasculate men.

Not everyone who dislikes Clinton is sexist. But they do need to ask themselves why they don’t support her. This election cycle has been dramatically biased against Clinton – even with an opponent like Trump.

Imagine if this were a race run by two men, where one candidate is an incapable narcissist with a clear record of crooked dealings; a corrupt charity; an unethical academic institute robbing people of their savings; a corporation which manipulates small businesses; a practice with a history of ruining the livelihoods of middle and working class families; and all this headed by a pathetically thin-skinned, pathological liar. What’s more, all of these indictments are easily evidenced.

If Hillary Clinton were a man this race would be over. It would be a landslide. The media’s rhetoric around the campaign would be different, whether they believe themselves to be liberal or not. This cycle is based on a sexist portrayal of Hillary Clinton. And it is unacceptable yet wholly accepted.

The image of womanhood is deceptive in the westernized media. We want to imagine women in the home, or focused on frivolous style magazines. Smart, ambitious women outside of the entertainment, catering or fashion world are demeaned by the public, by superiors and by the press. And if you don’t believe me…

Imagine a woman showing up to a presidential debate unprepared, sniffling throughout the event, and interrupting her opponent at every opportunity. Imagine she’s had five children by three different men, was a repeated adulterer, had multiple bankruptcies, refused to show her tax returns, and rooted for the housing crisis which left thousands of families homeless. Imagine a woman who regurgitated sexist, racist, homophobic, & Islamophobic insults, was cheered on when inciting violence at rallies and lied repeatedly despite recorded evidence proving otherwise.

Imagine a woman who had never held an elected office running for President of the United States.

We live in a modern age we ask the world to mirror, yet at the basis of our culture we hold little respect for the mothers, sisters and daughters pushing instead for the continued empowerment of men.


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